Samples of Our Work: Business School #4
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
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CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Your original document was a nice well-balanced statement to start off with, tying your experiences directly to your future goals. The essay solidified your background, showing you had a career focus and demonstrating how you specialized. You demonstrated leadership, entrepreneurial spirit, and significant business accomplishment.
My main goal was to take this quality material and maximize its impact through a rational framework. To that end, I altered the order of the key points, directly answering the essay prompt and then laying out your candidacy.
“In the long-term, I aspire to start my own private equity firm focused on MENA”
This was placed front and center, to directly answer the essay prompt and because it represented a distinct goal.
“My most notable achievement involved leading a transaction in one of the largest Series A transactions in the region, a $30M round in an online automobile marketplace.”
This significant business experience deserved its own paragraph. Accordingly, the revised draft now includes it as such.
“Investing my own money in Strawa has taught me the importance of having “skin in the game” when growing a business, a philosophy that I will implement in my future fund.”
After the beginning, the ending of a paragraph can be the ideal location for maximum punch. In this example, the paragraph ends on this sentence, a strong note.
The revised essay directly addresses the essay prompt, resulting in improved readability and a more powerful/moving effect.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 89%. We note the original score on the document was 89% and the score on the revised draft is 98%.
Congratulations on creating a powerful document, one that grabs the reader’s attention and demonstrates your key selling points. We thank you for choosing EssayMaster to be your partner in this project, and we wish you the best wishes for your application.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
What are your post-MBA goals and how will your prior experience and the London Business School programme contribute towards these? (500 words)
After my MBA, I plan to work in management consulting to strengthen my understanding of strategy and operations across various industries and business functions. In the long-term, I aspire to start my own private equity firm focused on MENA, targeting large investors to bridge the gap of early-stage funding. I will focus on technology startups solving the region’s gravest problems, including drought, famine, education and access to banking. I believe that technology is an access enabler and a force of good in our society. By merging my investment and consulting experience, I can facilitate this perspective by funding sustainable and socially-conscious projects.
My engineering degree at UCLA cemented my passion for tech and instilled an international outlook. After UCLA, I labored my way into an internship at Dubai-based United Arab Venture Partners (UAVP), the largest VC firm in MENA with $260M in assets under management. I was appointed to Associate two years later, gaining experience in a wide range of industries, strengthening my problem-solving skills and my capacity to critically evaluate a company. My experience has been unique, working as an investor making critical investment decisions, fundraising from larger investors for our funds, and supporting entrepreneurs in their toughest challenges. My most notable achievement involved leading a transaction in one of the largest Series A transactions in the region, a $30M round in an online automobile marketplace. After sourcing the deal, I convinced the CIO to invest in the company and built the investment thesis and memo by directly working with him. The success of my work on this deal fast-tracked my promotion.
I also helped found Strawa, a startup that offers live-streaming for Saudi video gamers. As a founding investor, I have provided strategic direction to develop the go-to-market strategy and have handled their fundraising efforts, including $2m in two investment rounds from angel and institutional investors. Investing my own money in Strawa has taught me the importance of having “skin in the game” when growing a business, a philosophy that I will implement in my future fund.
LBS provides a unique MBA programme. Its location, in one of the global finance capitals, allows me to strengthen my network in Europe with the goal of joining a management consulting firm post-graduation. The programme is ideal for leadership development, due to the diversity of the student body, course offerings, and second-year electives. Exposure to different ways of thinking, contrasting viewpoints, and ideas are important to me, further emphasizing my pursuit of a multicultural academic setting. My exposure to multiple cultures and ethnic backgrounds throughout my childhood in Lebanon, as well as my experience in both California and the Gulf States, have honed my emotional intelligence and ability to understand, respect, and work with people of different cultural norms and values. Fundamentally, the MBA programme at LBS would allow me to be a part of a network of inspiring individuals, preparing me to achieve the milestones that I have set along, and beyond, my educational journey.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
My science certificate at UCLA established my enthusiasm for tech and imparted a worldwide standpoint. After UCLA, I toiled my way into entry level position at Dubai-based United Arab Venture Partners (UAVP), the biggest VC firm in MENA with $260M in resources under administration. I was selected to Associate two years after the fact, picking up involvement with a wide scope of enterprises, reinforcing my critical thinking abilities and my ability to basically assess an organization. My experience has been one of a kind, filling in as a financial specialist settling on basic speculation choices, raising money from bigger speculators for our assets, and supporting business visionaries in their hardest difficulties. My striking accomplishment included driving an exchange at one of the biggest Series An exchanges in the locale, a $30M round in an online car commercial centre. Subsequent to sourcing the arrangement, I persuaded the CIO to put resources into the organization and fabricated the venture proposal and update by straightforwardly working with him. The accomplishment of my work on this arrangement optimized my advancement.
I additionally helped discovered Strawa, a beginning up that offers live-real time for Saudi video gamers. As an establishing financial specialist, I have given key bearing to successfully help build up the go-to-advertise procedure and have taken care of their raising money endeavors, incorporating $2m in two speculation adjusts from holy messenger and institutional speculators. Putting my own cash in Strawa has shown me the significance of having "skin in the game" when growing a business, a way of thinking that I will execute in my future asset.
LBS gives an exceptional MBA program. Its area, in one of the worldwide money capitals, permits me to fortify my organization in Europe with the objective of joining an administration counseling firm post-graduation. The program is ideal for initiative turn of events, because of variety of the understudy body, course contributions, and second-year electives. Presentation to various perspectives, differentiating perspectives, and thoughts are critical to me, further underscoring my quest for a multi-social scholastic setting. My introduction to numerous societies and ethnic foundations all through my adolescence in Lebanon, just as my involvement with the two California and the Gulf States, have sharpened my enthusiastic insight, and capacity to get, regard, and to work with individuals of various social standards and qualities. In a general sense, the MBA program at LBS would permit me to be piece of an organization of motivating people, setting me up to accomplish the achievements that I have set along, and past, my instructive excursion.
After my MBA, I intend to work in administration counseling to reinforce my comprehension in technique and tasks over a variety of enterprises and business capacities. In the long haul, I begin my own private value firm centered around MENA, focusing on huge financial specialists to overcome any barrier of beginning phase subsidizing. I will zero in on innovation new businesses taking care of the district's gravest issues, including dry spell, starvation, training and admittance to banking. I accept that innovation is an entrance empowering agent and a power of good in our general public, and by consolidating my venture and counseling experience, I can encourage this viewpoint through financing maintainable and socially-cognizant activities.