Samples of Our Work: Business School #3
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
Please use the slider to see an excerpt of the before and after.
Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Some key strengths of your original work include its quantitative, informed tone, demonstrating a high-intelligence individual who understands business jargon and uses it properly. Your work demonstrates a rationalist temperament, and it’s clear you are a natural fit for data-driven business leadership.
My primary task was to maximize the impact of this strong material, paring wording where necessary and organizing material to improve impact and readability. To that end, I worked on the word, sentence, and paragraph levels, adapting and achieving best possible outcomes.
“My journey began when I was six years old.”
The wording is subtly changed, but there is an improvement in impact and chronological (correct) order is started properly.
“One project stands out due to the importance of its strategic objective”
This anecdote is well-placed, demonstrating the applicant’s ability to bring order to chaos.
“The three-year professional requirement means that I will have knowledgeable classmates who I can collaborate, learn, and network with.”
Here, the wording highlights the match between the candidate and the program.The synergy is made self-evident.
The resulting revised draft is solidly structured, going from strength to strength and illustrating your dynamism and drive. The informational content of your document has been compacted, and the result is a revised draft with maximum impact
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 87% and the score on the revised draft is 98%.
Congratulations on creating a document that sells your candidacy in the best light possible. Thank you for choosing EssayMaster as your partner on this important work, and we sincerely wish you the very best of success in your application and future career.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
My journey began when I was six years old. Two of my aunts, both with PhD's in mathematics, filled me with curiosity and trained me early in understanding complex math formulas. Over the years, I would utilize these formulas to discover the benefits of merging computer science and math, driving me towards a career in information technology. With a special interest in business, this upbringing helped me determine a specific career focus, leading me to pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Management Information Systems.
Following graduation in 2013, I opted to enter the Graduate Development Program at United Market Authority (UMA) despite many offers in the private sector. UMA, tasked with regulating the United Arab Emirates financial market, has played a pivotal role in the industry since the stock market crash of 2006. Having followed this event closely, I committed to working in capital markets to comprehend how market regulations function. At UMA, I earned the position of Production Eminence Officer in the Organizational Eminence Department, providing a golden opportunity to become immersed in business consultancy and data analytics.
One project stands out due to the importance of its strategic objective: “Improving internal efficiency and effectiveness within the authority.” Calling for the development and application of a unified internal policies framework, we undertook the daunting responsibility of standardizing the existing template of processes. Aiming to optimize efficiency, we sought to eliminate duplicate work, save time, and reduce costs. Assigned to the Authorization Production Efficiency Project Team, I worked in close collaboration to standardize business processes in the Authorization Department, a unit where a lack of unified standards had created an environment in which employees resorted to their own uneven approaches and methodologies.
In solving this issue, I realized my ability to coordinate complex information and tasks, as we collected, sorted, and documented activities across UMA by implementing various business analysis techniques. In just one year, I was called upon to optimize business processes for eight departments, and I took the initiative to sharpen my skills via several relevant training courses.
After three years as a Production Eminence Officer, I moved to the Internal Governance unit, working directly on UMA authority matrix management and organizational structure studies. Seeking to extend my knowledge base, I undertook an Information Security Department Organizational Study relating to the Technology and Risk divisions. Given that it will ultimately restructure one of these divisions, this sparked my interest in learning about analytics on a deeper level.
My experience at UMA has also taught me the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. While dealing with intransigence can be challenging, we worked diligently to ensure a smooth transition. Meeting with people directly, we took the time to elaborate on the rationale of the changes and how it would affect them.
Now, after five years of professional experience at UMA, I believe the UAE needs more impactful women leaders who are capable of making bold decisions on critical issues and managing international teams. In following my aunts’ footsteps in pursuing graduate studies, I believe the International MBA at IE Business School will provide me with the skillset to excel as a leader and add diversity to the current demographics of the UAE business sphere.
The International MBA at IE Business School aligns with my expectations of an ideal MBA program. The three-year professional requirement means that I will have knowledgeable classmates with whom I can collaborate, learn, and network. Exposure to different ways of thinking, contrasting viewpoints, and ideas is important to me, and the BUDDieS & NEWBieS program confirms community as the foundation of the IMBA experience. Upon completing the program, I plan to pursue a role in a leading international business-consulting firm, an attainable goal with the diverse instructional environment at IE. Beginning the IMBA will mark an enormous milestone in my life, and I am eagerly looking forward to this next major stride in my educational journey.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
When discovered IT, I was thrilled at its limitless potential. Seeking a major combining my two passions of math and computer science, along with a business focus, I opted for a Bachelor’s degree in Management Information Systems. Since 2008, my study of Management Information Systems has utilized my robust technical abilities, developing my analytical skills through strong foundational knowledge in math and science. My enthusiasm and potential, reflected in my 3.87 GPA, First Class Honours.
Upon graduation in 2013, I had numerous private sector job offers, though I elected instead to enter the Graduate Development Program at United Market Authority (UMA), the organization tasked with regulating the UAE financial market. I’d been in school during the UAE stock market crash of February 2006, which left investors staring blankly at trading screens. I followed this story closely, discovering a new passion: working in capital markets to comprehend how market regulations function. This led to UMA, where I was offered the job of Production Eminence Officer in the Organizational Eminence Department, providing a golden opportunity for me to become immersed in business consultancy and data analytics.
During my first year at UMA, one project stands out due to the importance of its strategic objective: “Improving internal efficiency and effectiveness within the authority.” Calling for the development and application of a unified internal policies framework, we undertook the daunting responsibility of standardizing the existing template of processes. Aiming to optimize efficiency, we sought to eliminate duplicate work, save duplicate time, and reduce iterative costs. I was fortunate to be named to the Authorization Production Efficiency Project Team, working in close to standardize business processes in the Authorization Department, a unit where a lack of unified standards had created an environment in which employees resorted to their own, uneven standardized approaches and methodologies.
In solving this issue, I realized my strong ability to coordinate complex information and tasks, as we collected, sorted and documented activities across the UMA. Employing several business analysis technique, process have been optimized for higher efficiency and higher quality. In just one year, I was called upon to optimize business processes for eight departments and I took the initiative to sharpen my skills via several relevant training courses.
After three years in the Production Eminence unit, I moved to the Internal Governance unit, working directly on UMA authority matrix management and organizational structure studies. Seeking to extend knowledge base, I undertook an Information Security Department Organizational Study relating to the Technology and Risk divisions. Given that it will ultimately restructure one of these divisions, this sparked my interest in learning about analytics on a deeper level.
Whenever transformative changes are introduced, some people will feel threatening. Though ours is a data-driven business, I learn so much about the dynamics of interpersonal relationships through this experience. While dealing with intransigence is not fun, we did what was required to ensure a smooth transition whatever the cost. Meeting with people face to face, we took the time to elaborate on the rationale of the changes and how it would effect them.
Now, having been out in the world of work, I realize UAE needs more powerful women leaders who are capable of making bold decisions on critical issues and managing international teams. and I thought I should be one of such leaders. International MBA at IE Business School will enable me to continue to explore my passions, sharpen my skills and boost my career.
Now, after five years at UMA, I am confident it is the perfect time to take the next step in my career by completing am International MBA at IE Business School. The program is highly regarded and diverse. Through I can expand my network globally and learn from talented classmates. Exposure to different ways of thinking, contrasting viewpoints and ideas was very important to me, and I wanted to be in an environment where this was a foundation. I intednded to apply my MBA degree or to become a consultant in a leading international business-consulting firm. Becoming a student of this program will mark an enormous milestone in my life, and am eagerly looking forward to this next major stride in my educational journey. My path toward business analytics began at six, when I became obsessed with complex math formulas. Maybe I inherited this proclivity from my aunts, both math PhD’s.