Samples of Our Work: Business School #5
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
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Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Your original draft had many strong points, offering material that demonstrated leadership and vision. Getting to the idea of “ringing the opening bell at NASDAQ,” you outlined your dreams, explained your preparation, and discussed a valuable leadership experience. You are to be commended for your professionalism and communicative talent.
Faced with strong material and an assertive, optimistic candidate, my task was to refine what was already good and make it excellent. To that end, the terminology and presentation were the key focuses to drive home the points with maximum impact.
“The timing of my application coincides with both my developmental needs and the natural evolution of my current position.”
The original wording, “termination,” had a negative connotation that needed to be excised. Our careers should “evolve” rather than “terminate.”
“collaborated with successful entrepreneurs of varying fields”
“Collaborated” establishes a tone of cooperation. In this way the reader is invited to sense the community-orientation of the applicant.
“Most importantly, my team members thanked me for the professional development, and their comprehensive and strategic participation.”
“Making opportunity” was unnecessary verbiage. The team gained professional development; it can be directly stated.
The revised moves from strength-to-strength. It’s structured, compacted, maximizes the impact of the powerful material covered.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 78% and the score on the revised draft is 97%.
Your resulting EMBA essay decisively answers the prompts, painting the portrait of a future-oriented business leader who is capable for evolving and team-building. Thank you for choosing EssayMaster as your partner in creating this dynamic document, and we wish you the best of luck with your application.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
Discuss your post-MBA career aspirations (short term and long term) and explain how you plan to achieve them. (400 words)
My highest career aspiration is to ring the opening bell at NASDAQ as my company celebrates the successful completion of its initial public offering. My experiences have prepared me to build market disrupting education consultancies fit for public investment, but they have also exposed me to the intangible qualities of successful entrepreneurs. These qualities include the ability to manage, presence to inspire, charisma to lead, and fortitude to persist in the face of challenge, all embedded in the bedrock of CEIBS’s MBA program. The timing of my application coincides with both my developmental needs and the natural evolution of my current position.
My post-MBA path will begin in the marketing consultation industry, where I will gain exposure to general industrial operations and have opportunities to employ business and leadership lessons. Afterward, I plan to establish my own consultancy, helping companies integrate education projects into business strategy and bridging leading global and local educational resources to the Chinese market.
To achieve these goals, I have focused my academic and professional pursuits in the areas of international higher education, entrepreneurship, and investment. Drawing from my International Business and Communications education, work in the MIT Global Scale Network, and involvement in the University of Nottingham and LI DAK SUM Incubator, I've witnessed innovative projects in education markets abroad and domestically and collaborated with successful entrepreneurs of varying fields. Consequently, I've helped establish the very first education institute with the world’s #1 brand (MIT) to meet local needs and set up a university-based incubator with projects and investment from international participants. The experience has placed me in close contact with senior executives, industry leaders, and top management who share the story of my career aspirations as their own reality and inspire me to build upon the leadership qualities that my entrepreneurial colleagues exhibited.
The MBA from CEIBS is pivotal in enhancing my managerial skills, leadership ability, and connecting me to an influential network. My visit to CEIBS revealed the collaborative energy, exciting environment, and enlightening educational aura through entrepreneurship classes and alumni sharing. A strong believer in the free exchange of ideas as a catalyst for progress, I am excited about collaborating with talented classmates whose passions differ from mine, but similarly share my goals and enthusiasm and add vital energy to the MBA experience with CEIBS. I know that CEIBS is where I want to build the next layer upon my foundation.
Question 2(a) or 2(b)
2(b). Discuss a situation where you have demonstrated significant leadership ability. (400 words)
A great leader aspires to do more than simply accomplish her objective. Until I offered to lead a team of administrative staff and intern students to run an international innovation and entrepreneurship competition and to receive HRH The Duke of York and delegates from the British and Indian embassy offices, I did not recognize how valuable the “more” could be.
In a young incubator based in the first Sino-UK university, my team was tasked with managing the very first international competition of innovation and entrepreneurship, involving participants from the UK, India, and China. Our small, inexperienced team had never run an international scale event and bored the pressure to make the very first competition of its kind a success. To inspire confidence in my team, I hired an event agency to facilitate the whole process, establishing an event committee to make plans and provide supervision. Although the plan jump-started our efforts, the team felt discouraged in providing their input. My action indicated that I had already made all of the decisions and that the team’s ideas or concerns would carry no weight.
I knew I had to change my leadership approach to focus on facilitating collaboration rather than dictating a course of action. Instead of presenting my strategy and looking for feedback and action, I coached the team through the process. Alternatively, the professionals trained the team, encouraging them to hire project-based employees and work in individual task groups. We then developed strategies and action plans together.
Accordingly, our small team of six took ownership of the project. We successfully executed a smooth and unprecedented event, receiving satisfactory feedback from the HRH The Duke of York’s team, as well as the British and Indian embassy offices. We also contributed to the local economy, importing over 20 high-quality international projects launching their business centers in China, enhancing corporate outreach and industry relations. Most importantly, my team members thanked me for the professional development and their comprehensive and strategic participation.
Through this experience, I matured as a senior leader and learned that leading is as much about accomplishing your objective as it is about holding your team together. I learned the value of guiding my team to define a shared vision in which we could all be stakeholders rather than simply presenting a strategy. I was most effective by leading strongly enough to inspire confidence but not strongly that I prevented involvement.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
Discuss your post-MBA career aspirations (short term and long term) and explain how you plan to achieve them. (400 words)
My post-MBA path will start at marketing consultation industry, where I will gain exposure to general industrial operations and have opportunities to employ business and leadership lessons. Afterward, I hope to continue my own consultancy, helping companies integrate education projects into business strategy, and bridging best global and local education resources to Chinese market.
To achieve these goals, I have focused my academic and professional pursuits in the areas of international higher education, entrepreneurship and investment. In addition to my undergraduate and postgraduate majors of International business and communications, my work in MIT global scale network, the University of Nottingham and LI DAK SUM Incubator have given me a first-hand view into the pioneering innovative projects, the higher education markets abroad and domestically, and the lives of successful entrepreneurs of different fields. I have experienced in establishing the very first education institute with the world’s No.1 brand (MIT) to meet the local market’s needs; setup the university-based incubators with projects and investment from international participant. The experience has placed me in close contact with senior executive, industry leaders and top management who share the story of my career aspirations as their own reality. The opportunity to interact with such innovative and successful individuals has been an inspiration and provides me a first hand account of what qualities today’s entrepreneurial leaders possess.
While the past experiences form a solid foundation, an MBA from CEIBS is necessary for enhancing the managerial, leadership ability, and influential network necessary to achieve my goals. This assertion was confirmed during my visits to CEIBS. I found the collaborative energy was tangible, the environment exciting, and the effect impressive through entrepreneurship classes and alumni sharing. Finally, because I believe that free exchange of ideas is the catalyst for progress, I am excited about collaborating with potential talented classmates whose passions differ from mine, who at the same time share my goals and enthusiasm and add vital energy to the MBA experience with CEIBS. I know that CEIBS is where I want to build the next layer upon my foundation.
My highest career aspiration is ring the opening bell at NASDAQ as my company celebrates the successful completion of its initial public offering. My experiences have prepared me to build market disrupting education consultancies fit for public investment, but they have also exposed me to the intangible qualities of successful entrepreneurs. These qualities include the ability to manage, presence to inspire, charisma to lead, and fortitude to persist in challenge. These virtues are represented in the bedrock of CEIBS’s MBA program. My desire to internalize these qualities is the motor that drives me to pursue a CEIBS’s MBA with such conviction. The timing of my application coincides with both my developmental needs and the natural termination of my current position.
Question 2(a) or 2(b)
2(b). Discuss a situation where you have demonstrated significant leadership ability. (400 words)
A great leader aspires to do more than simply accomplish her objective. Until I lead a team of administrative staff and intern students to run an international innovation and entrepreneurship competition, and to receive His Royal Highness The Duke of York, and the delegates from the British and Indian embassy offices, I did not recognize how valuable the “more” could be.
In a very young incubator based in the first Sino-UK university, my initiative challenged my team from working in a routine way, which is to run the very first international competition of innovation and entrepreneurship that involves parties from the UK, India and China. We began the project several major disadvantages: we were a small team of young and junior, we had no experience of running an international scale event and we bore the pressure to make the very first competition of its kind a success. I wanted to inspire my team’s confidence as I led them into the unknown field of work, so I took several strong decisive plans from my past experience. I hired an outside event agency to facilitate the whole process, invited the professionals from the industry to give supervision and also established an event committee to make plans. While confidence inspirational, these decisive actions had an undesired consequence: I discouraged my team from providing their input. My action indicated that I had already made all of the decisions, and that the team’s ideas or concerns would not carry no weight.
I had to change my leadership approach to focus on facilitating collaboration rather than dictating a course of action. Instead of presenting my strategy and looking for feedback and action, I coached the team through the process; I employed the professionals to give direct supervision and training to the team; I encouraged the team to hire project-based employees and work in individual task groups; we developed strategies and action plans together.
As a result, the small team of 6 took ownership of the big project and got entirely involved. We made a smooth and unprecedented event as the very first one in the province, we received highly satisfactory feedback from the HRH The Duke of York’s team, as well as the British and Indian embassy office, we also made solid contribution to the local economy, importing over 20 high quality international projects launching their business centers in China, and we enhanced corporate outreach and industry relations. Most importantly, my team members personally thanked me for making opportunity to get further professional development, and to take participation comprehensively and strategically.
Through this experience, I matured as senior leader and learned that leading is as much about accomplishing your objective as it is about holding your team together. I learned the value of guiding my team to define a shared vision in which we could all be stakeholders rather than simply presenting a strategy. I was most effective leading strongly enough to inspire confidence but not strongly that I prevented stakeholding.