Samples of Our Work: Graduate School #1
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
Please use the slider to see an excerpt of the before and after.
Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
The original draft included powerful reasons for your admission. Its strengths included a clear passion for the desired field, a broad spectrum of experiences leading to advanced study, and sophisticated “insider’s” prose. Especially commendable was the introspection demonstrated by analyzing how each experience contributed to an overall praxis.
The editor on this essay successfully compacted the content of the original draft into a powerful summary of the applicant’s qualifications. The essay flowed from point to point and portrayed an applicant who is clearly engaged in his/her life work. Readability due to a chronological outline was improved.
“As an undergraduate student, creating digital models as a personal hobby”
Taking the content to the undergraduate level showed a chronologically deep interest in the subject.
“My eventual aim is to become the principal of my own architectural practice”
The applicant’s interest was nicely laid out demonstrating ambition and understanding.
“At Princeton I will be exposed to a collaborative and experimental studio culture that I believe fits my learning style well.”
The essay shows clear specialization and takes on the question, “why Princeton?”
The revised draft contains an example of a thesis (“I see urban tissue…”) that then leads to a structured development of your candidacy. Real-life examples of experience are woven into the evolving text (“high-resolution”) that comprises a strong candidacy.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 86% and the score on the revision is 96%.
Congratulations on creating a professional document, one that will answer even critical demands. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to work on your candidacy, and we wish you the best of luck with your applications.
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
I am a designer who is concerned with architectural theory ultimately as it engages with the practice. I see urban tissue as a laboratory for testing the psychological, economic, and physical effects of built work on its surroundings. My aspiration is to do work that both investigates prior solutions and is also stimulated by current events and technologies. With its focus on new technology and its unsurpassed background in history and theory, Princeton School of Architecture is ideal for strengthening my design ideology and targeting my direction as a designer in tomorrow’s socio-political milieu.
As an undergraduate student, creating digital models as a personal hobby helped me develop a design sense. I experimented freely with my projects by mixing many digital production methods, which pushed my technique further. I familiarized myself with a wide range of design development workflows, including evidence-based design methods, computer-generated design, design with conceptual methodologies, and more.
After a few years in architecture school, I had the opportunity to intern at the Preliminary Research Office. I am stimulated by how this firm is able to adopt formal characteristics from their theoretical interest in a way that creates an architectural language. I admire how they can turn one gestural mass move into a plan move or a detail, solidifying a formal code at varying scales. Additionally, the office excels in resolving even the most minute details of their projects in surprising ways, revealed in intricate physical models to animated technical drawings. I want to bring this sense of “high resolution” into my own future work.
My eventual aim is to become the principal of my own architectural practice that can both rigorously engage in contemporary theoretical discourse and remain relevant to the demands of a world increasingly concerned with overpopulation, privacy, mass migration, big data, and more. I desire to learn in an academic environment that seriously addresses the near future of architecture as it relates to these topics. Pursuing the Master in Architecture degree at Princeton will grant me the opportunity to further learn how to implement the most current ideas, tools, and conceptual design methodologies as well as master fundamental architectural spatial tactics to reify my design narratives.
To me, it is critical to study interpretations of what the built environment could be, and then begin integrating the concerns of scholarship into the practice in new ways. At Princeton, I will be exposed to a collaborative and experimental studio culture that fits my learning style well. I will have the chance to further improve my collaboration skills and to practice performing team roles in high-intensity projects. I am particularly intrigued by the diverse array of studios whose themes can wildly diverge from or play off the others. This atmosphere is an incubator for innovation as it corrals students to think about a single concept with different perspectives while also continuously bringing in fresh ideas.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
Dedication to learning and improvement has driven me to grow as a designer. Creating many visual studies and digital models as a personal hobby helped me to develop a design sense. As an undergraduate student I experimented freely with my projects by mixing many digital production methods, which pushed my technique further. This included replicating methods used by product designers, conceptual artists, and the like to gain diverse perspectives on how to draft and represent projects. I also learned and formulated code to customize tasks in digital modeling software and their plug-ins. I familiarized myself with a wide range of design development workflows including evidence-based design methods, computer-generated design, design with conceptual methodologies, and anything else beyond what was taught in my undergraduate program.
After a few years of progressing through school, I had the opportunity to intern at an emerging firm whose work I found both fresh and stimulating. Although I was inspired daily by the innovation of their practice, I was struck by the challenges the principals faced in translating their designs into built work. I am eager to learn what strategies other architects use to navigate the concerns of market feasibility while still maintaining a critical stance.
Today, I am a designer who is concerned with architectural theory ultimately as it engages with the practice. I see urban tissue as a laboratory for testing the psychological, social, economic, and physical effects of built work on its surroundings. My aspiration is to do work that both investigates prior solutions and is also stimulated by current events and upcoming technologies. With its focus on new technology and with a strong background in history and theory, Knowlton is the ideal place to strengthen my design ideology and keep it focused on the potential architectural consequences of tomorrow’s socio-political milieu.
My eventual aim is to become the principal of my own architectural practice that can both rigorously engage in criticism and remain relevant to the demands of a evolving design and business framework. I desire to learn in an academic environment that seriously addresses the near future of architecture so that I can be prepared to design built work in a world increasingly concerned with overpopulation, privacy, mass migration, big data and more. Pursuing the Master in Architecture degree at the Knowlton School will grant me the technical expertise to implement the most current ideas, tools, and conceptual design methodologies as well as master fundamental architectural spacial tactics that employ circulation, enclosure, aperture, and the like to reify my design narratives.
To me, it is critical to seriously study interpretations of what the built environment could be, and then begin integrating the concerns of scholarship into the practice in new ways. At Knowlton I will be exposed to a collaborative studio culture that I believe fits my learning style very well. I will have the chance to further improve my collaboration skills and can practice directing and performing team roles in high-intensity, demanding projects that concentrate on real-world issues. I am particularly intrigued by the diverse array of studios whose themes can wildly diverge from or can play off the others’. To me, this atmosphere is an incubator for innovation as it corrals students to think about a single concept with different perspectives while also continuously bringing in fresh ideas.