Samples of Our Work: Medical School #3
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
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CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
There are multiple varieties of a successful AMCAS statement, and yours had some key strengths: the cogent, research-oriented material, the family anecdote, and the humanitarian spirit evidenced in the clear. You demonstrated your passion is real and showed you have the intellectual firepower to take on the harder tasks of medical research.
My job as editor required alteration to structure and word choice. I further corrected minor typos and grammatical issues.
“At ten years old, I faced my first critical decision in the hospital setting: whether or not to give my grandfather a cookie.”
A chronological format increased persuasiveness, opening with the dramatic image of yourself at ten years old. The rest of the essay unfolded naturally from there, creating an escalating level of interest and achievement. This layout promotes readability and organizes material in such a fashion that facilitates comprehension.
“I felt amazed by life-saving therapies and disappointed when science fell short of a cure. Both of these feelings are strong motivators for me to pursue translational research.”
Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, of course, has no cure, so the genuine emotion elicited here reminds all readers of the ultimate seriousness of medicine. Here, the anecdote displays your compassion.
“With this in mind, I founded the first organization at my university to volunteer with the elderly.”
What could be one forgotten line in a C.V. is instead developed into a meaningful paragraph. You display initiative, which is good.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the score on the original draft was 84%, and the score on the revised draft is 99%.
Your AMCAS statement has particular strength in identifying your genuine research interests, which, combined with your well-described humanitarian side, creates a synergistic positivity to your candidacy. Thank you for choosing EssayMaster to refine this powerful essay, and we wish you the best of luck with your medical school applications.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
At ten years old, I faced my first critical decision in the hospital setting: whether or not to give my grandfather a cookie. He never had a sweet tooth before, but Alzheimer’s disease made him unrecognizable as he yelled and pleaded for the dessert in my hand. I froze, unsure of how to communicate and scared that he would choke on solid food. I knew I wanted to help, but I did not know how. Learning how to help has been the focus of my undergraduate career, and is my drive towards becoming a physician.
These interactions with my grandfather in the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease sparked a lifelong interest in neuroscience. In college, I returned to the hospital to learn more about diseases of the brain. I watched vascular neurosurgeons at Beth Israel resect brain stem cavernous malformations on a young woman, a student my own age. The operation successfully stabilized her neurologic deterioration, and I left inspired by these physicians who prevented permanent disability.
However, I quickly learned that there are times when modern medicine is inadequate. I saw a neurologist, Dr. REDACTED, diagnose an elderly woman with Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. I recall being struck by the intense emotional involvement. She let out sobs throughout the exam, and I wondered if she sensed her own insidious rate of decline. When her test results returned positive for prion disease, there was nothing more we could offer her. She passed away in months. By shadowing attending physicians, I felt amazed by life-saving therapies and disappointed when science fell short of a cure. Both of these feelings are strong motivators for me to pursue translational research.
To better understand the role of a toxic protein, tau, in Alzheimer’s disease, I worked in the lab of Dr. REDACTED at REDACTED Hospital for over two years. I focused on preclinical anti-tau antibodies and found that the targeted epitope significantly affected the ability of the antibody to stop tau aggregation. Tau immunotherapy is a promising new approach at a time when disease-modifying treatments are scarce, and we need to better understand the mechanism of action. However, while I took immense pride in the journey from preliminary experiments to publication, my work tested antibodies in cultured neurons alone. We are years away from bringing the therapy to patients. Much like a physician-scientist who does research for the future while treating patients in the present, I wanted to help people losing their memories to Alzheimer’s here and now.
My desire to branch out from the bench led me to pursue new roles in clinical research. I am now part of a team coordinating clinical trials for Dr. REDACTED, which involves assisting in the outpatient neurology clinic at REDACTED and meeting individuals being evaluated for dementia. Occasionally, families express an interest in novel treatments, and I have been able to connect them with the first Phase II clinical trial using tau immunotherapy for Alzheimer’s disease. Although the trial uses different antibodies, my research has allowed me to teach patients the basic science behind immunotherapy and inform them of a clinical trial I truly believe has promise. Being involved with the direct care of these patients has been an incredibly rewarding experience; it gets me out of bed every Friday at six in the morning, excited to see what the day will bring. My clinical experiences allow me to better understand the day-to-day interactions of a physician, and confirm that this is what I want to pursue.
In the clinic, I mostly interact with patients who have mild cognitive impairment. I also wanted to help those like my grandfather, with severe neurodegenerative disease. Research has shown that loneliness can exacerbate the symptoms of dementia, and social interaction may be beneficial to curb disease progression. With this in mind, I founded the first organization at my university to volunteer with the elderly. We work with locations that serve all levels of independence, from assisted living to dementia care, and devote one-on-one time with the residents. In a specialized unit for dementia patients, a former flautist, nearly catatonic, will hum and tap his foot to students playing piano. A woman whose condition prevents her from gardening nearly jumps out of her wheelchair every time we bring in fresh flowers. This patient population presents unique challenges due to both physical and cognitive disabilities, but to be able to provide them these small moments of clarity and joy makes all my work worth it. I hope to find the same gratification as a physician, helping these patients in a more lasting way than I can now.
I will always remember being a young girl, terrified and unsure of what to do in the face of severe dementia. I never want to be in that position again, but I know that there will be many times when I meet the same fear and uncertainty, faced with a far more critical decision. I am prepared to take on these challenges with the same drive and resolve that pushed me to overcome setbacks in the lab, clinic, and volunteering. The road ahead may be long, but I cannot wait to apply myself further, finding fulfillment in the challenges of becoming a doctor of medicine.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
In college, I went to hospital to learn more about brain diseases. I watched vascular brain doctors at Beth Israel resect brain stem cavernous malformations on a young woman, a student my own age. The operation successfully stabilized her neurologic disintegration, and I left motivated by these physicians who prevented permanent dysfunction. However, I quickly lerned that there are times when modern medicine is not enough. I saw a neurologist, Dr. REDACTED, diagnose an elderly woman with Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. I recall being struck by emotions. Crying throughout the exam, I wondered if she sensed her own rate of decline. When her test results returned positive for prions: there was nothing more we could offer her. She passed on in months. By shadowing attending physicians, I felt gladdened by rescue therapies and disappointed when science could not provide a cure. These feelings are both motivations for me to pursue translational research.
To better understand the role of a toxic protein, tau, in Alzheimers disease, I worked in the lab of Dr. REDACTED at REDACTED Hospital for over twenty-four months. I focused on preclinical anti-tau antibodies and found that the targeted epitope meaningfully effected the ability of the antibody to stop tau aggregation. Tau immunotherapy is a promising approach while disease-modifying treatments are hard to find and we need to better understand the actions’ mechanism. However, while I take pride in the journey from basic experiments to publication, my work tested antibodies in only cultured neurons. We are years away from bringing the therapy to patients. Much like a physician-scientist who does research for the future while treating patients in the present, I would want to help people losing their memories to Alzheimer’s now. I don’t wish to be like fusion physicists, always “ten years away” from success.
My desire to branch out from the bench led me to seek roles in clinical research. I am now part of a team coordinating clinical trials for Dr. REDACTED, which involves assisting in the outpatient neurology clinic at REDACTED, and meeting individuals who are evaluated for dementia. Occasionally, families express an interest in new treatments and I have been able to connect them with the first Phase II trial using immunotherapy for Alzheimers disease. The trial uses different antibodies buit my research has allowed me to teach patients the science behind immunotherapy, and inform them of a clinical trial some believe it has promise. Being involved with some the care of these patients has been a rewarding experience; it gets me out of bed every Friday at six, to see what the day will bring. My clinical experiences allows me to better understand the day-to-day interactions of a physician, and confirm that I want to pursue.
In the clinic, I mostly interact with patients who have slight cognitive impairment. I wanted to help those like my grandfather, with severe neurodegenerative disease. Research has shown that loneliness can amplify the symptoms of dementia and social interaction may be helping to curb disease progression. With this in mind, I founded first organization at my university to volunteer with the elderly. We work with locations that serve all levels of dependence, from assisted living to dementia care, and devote person-to-person time with the residents. In a specialized unit for dementia patients, a former flautist, nearly catatonic, will tap his foot for students playing piano. A woman whose condition prevents her from gardening nearly jumps out of her wheelchair every time we bring in flowers. The patient population presents specialized challenges due to physical and cognitive disabilities but to be able to provide them these small moments of lucidity and happiness makes my work worth it. I aim to find the same reward as a physician, helping these patients in lasting way more than I now can.
At ten years old, I faced my first critical decision in the hospital setting: whether or not to give my grandfather a cookie. He never liked sweets before, but Alzheimers disease made him unrecognizable as he yelled and pled for the dessert in my hand. I froze, unsure of how to communicate and scared that he would choke on solid food. I wanted to help, but I did not know how. These interactions with my grandfather in the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease sparked a lifelong interest in neuroscience. I will always remember being a young girl, terrified of what to do in the face of severe dementia. I do not want to be in that position again, but I know that there will be many times when I meet the same emotion faced with a more critical decision. I am prepared to take on these challenges with the drive that pushed me to overcome in the lab, clinic, volunteering. The road ahead may be long and winding, but I cannot wait to apply myself farther, finding fulfilment in becoming a medical doctor.