Samples of Our Work: Medical School #1
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
Please use the slider to see an excerpt of the before and after.
Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Your original draft had some key strengths including strong personal material that evoked a compassionate physician candidate. It was clear you have a genuine interest in medicine, that you took leadership in providing care, and that you will spend your career as a doctor in genuinely caring for the whole patient.
My job as editor was to alter the structure of your essay, opening with a strong visual image and then proceeding chronologically to demonstrate your deepening interest and suitability for the field of medicine. The overall effect was one of crescendoing quality, and readability and impact were both improved.
“As I stared at the ceiling from my hospital bed, the pitter-patter of my IV drip breaking the silence of the night shift,”
Our task as editors does of course concern non-fiction narratives, but that does not mean there cannot be a poetic quality to what we do. Here the opening was highly visual, and it caught the reader’s attention from the start.
“I came to understand the emotional tumult of disease more deeply in college when I volunteered as a counselor at Camp Kesem, where I led a group of six children whose parents were oncology patients.”
Note how this experience is woven into the fabric of the paragraph. Without emphasizing it explicitly, you show and do not tell that you are a compassionate candidate for medical school. In this way an item that might show up as merely a line in a résumé instead becomes a dynamic anecdote.
“I joined Emory’s chapter of Quilt on the Quad at the start of my freshman year.”
In this paragraph, two experiences are listed with background information to drive home the fact that you are a self-starter and unafraid to deal with causes such as HIV awareness.
“As a physician, I will apply the principles of compassionate care in the pursuit of total healing, treating each patient with the dedication shown to me years ago as I lay in a hospital bed.”
In a skillful rhetorical device, the essay ends where you began: the hospital bed.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the score on the original draft was 76%, and the score on the revised draft is 99%.
Your essay clearly demonstrated your humanitarian qualities, establishing that you will be a physician with a good “bed-side manner.” Your leadership qualities and charitable activities combine to add value to your candidacy. Thank you for choosing EssayMaster to finalize your superb personal statement, and we genuinely wish you the very best of luck in your medical studies.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
As I stared at the ceiling from my hospital bed, the pitter-patter of my IV drip breaking the silence of the night shift, my thoughts dwelled on the infection that had swept me off my feet. A junior in high school, I had set a personal record in a cross-country race a few days ago. Now, my swollen knee throbbed as MRSA threatened to take my leg. Dr. Richard Hengel, an infectious disease specialist, worked tirelessly to save my leg and my life. But as surgical intervention neared, my hope waned and despair took hold. In a final attempt before surgery, Dr. Hengel prescribed another novel antibiotic cocktail. The next day, my condition improved, and the weight of despair lifted. Through my experiences as a patient, a camp counselor, an AIDS advocate, and a social entrepreneur, I’ve affirmed my desire to become a physician who embraces the social imperative of developing and scaling novel solutions, creating treatment models that address both the physical and the emotional burden of illness.
When I shadowed Dr. Fadlo Khuri, an oncologist, in the summer before I entered college, I saw the same burden of fear I briefly experienced as a patient in the faces of cancer patients. One young man, hollowed out by months of arduous treatment, held his wife’s hand as he anxiously waited to hear his test results. When he learned that his cancer had spread, I watched hope fade as despair gripped him and his wife. I came to understand the emotional tumult of disease more deeply in college when I volunteered as a counselor at Camp Kesem, where I led a group of six children whose parents were oncology patients. As a camp community, we aspired to mitigate the pain of loss through open dialogue. On the last night, campers voiced their fears of the unknown, lending shape to their sorrow. With stories shared and tears shed, we came together to sing a song of solace: “Lean on me, when you’re not strong, I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on.” I appreciated more deeply the power of compassionate communities to alleviate the emotional burden of illness; as a physician, I will work to find solutions that effectively address patients’ physical and emotional needs.
Inspired by Dr. Hengel’s experience as an infectious disease specialist at the height of the AIDS epidemic, I joined Emory’s chapter of Quilt on the Quad at the start of my freshman year. I now serve as president, enlisting volunteers, raising funds from local businesses, developing awareness of HIV/AIDS among thousands of students, and collaborating with the NAMES Project to organize the largest collegiate display of AIDS memorial quilts. During our events, the abstractions of scale give way to cathartic moments of collective recognition and mutual support. Of all the people I’ve met, Katie, a graduate student whose uncle died from AIDS, stands out. She explained how her family endeavored to share their love through thread and fabric, coming together to craft a quilt that would honor her uncle’s life and memory. Katie’s experience underscores an essential truth: each panel we display represents a life lived and a person loved. As a physician, I will work in service of this truth. Moved by my experiences with communities affected by cancer and HIV, I decided to apply the principle of personal care through compassionate communities in a new context.
After watching friends with chronic illnesses struggle to stay current in school after a hospitalization, I founded Patient Tutoring, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free online tutoring to students during and after their hospital stays. Clearing regulatory hurdles proved difficult, but it paled in comparison to the challenges of creating change in large institutions. Despite these challenges, I ultimately developed a successful partnership with a children’s hospital system, which connects Patient Tutoring with the students most in need of help. In one instance, Leslie, a mother of two children with chronic illness, emailed me through the website, and I developed a tutoring plan to get her children current in math. With every spark of understanding, they made progress, and with each new skill, their confidence grew. After many weeks of diligent work, they had surpassed the requirements for their grade levels and approached their classes with enthusiasm. Every moment of progress reminded me of the impact that compassionate communities can have in the lives of children with chronic illnesses; as a physician, I will continue to take on the social imperative of finding and scaling novel solutions.
I’ve experienced the transformative potential of medicine – as a patient, a camp counselor, an AIDS advocate, and a social entrepreneur. I’ve witnessed the pain of patients fearful of the future, the resolve of families dedicated to the memory of a loved one, and the joy of students freed from the academic burden of chronic illness. I’ve come to understand the social imperative of finding and scaling solutions and the importance of devotion and persistence in caring for the whole person. As a physician, I will apply the principles of compassionate care in the pursuit of total healing, treating each patient with the dedication shown to me years ago as I lay in a hospital bed.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
When I fallow Dr. Fadlo Khuri, a cancer doctor, in the summer coming before college, I saw a burden of fear from patients: one young man, hallowed out by months of arduous treatment, held his wifes’ hand as he waited to anxiously hear his test results. When he learnt that his cancer spread, I watched the hopelessness. I then came to understand the tumult of disease more deeply in college when volunteered as counselor at Camp Kesem, at which I lead a group of six children whose parents were oncology patients. As camp community, we tried to ease the pain of loss through open communication. On the last night, campers voiced their fears, lending depth to their sorrow. With stories shared and tears, we came together to sing: “Lean on me, when you’re not strong, I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on.” I appreciated the power of gorups to deeply alleviate the emotional burden of illness; as a physician, I should work to find solutions, which address effectively physical, and emotional needs.
With inspiration of Dr. Hengel’s experience as an infectious disease doctor at the worst of the AIDS epidemic, I joined Emory’s chapter of Quilt on the Quad at the start my freshman year. I enlist volunteers, raising funds from local businesses, developing awareness of HIV/AIDS, among thousands of students, and collaborating with the NAMES Project to organize the largest university display of AIDS memorial quilts as president of the group chapter. During our events, the abstractions give way to catharsis: moments of collective recognition and support. Of all people I’ve met, I most completely especially remember Katie, a graduate student whose uncle deceased from AIDS. Her family worked to share their love through thread, coming together to make a quilt that would honour her uncle’s life. Katie’s experience underscores essential truth: each panel we display represents for a life, and a person loved. As a physician, I will work for truth. Moved by my experiences with groups effected by cancer and HIV, I decided to apply the principal of personal care through compassionate communities in a new context. Emory has just been one stepping stone to farther challenge.
After watching friends with chronic illnesses struggle to stay currently in school after a hospitalization, I began Patient Tutoring, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free online tutoring to dependents during and after their hospital stays. Clearing regulatory hurdles proved difficult. However, in comparison to the challenges of creating change in large institutions. Despite these, I ultimately developed partnership with the childrens’ hospital system, which connects Patient Tutoring together with students most desire help. For example, Leslie, a mother with two children with chronic illnesses, emailed me through the website and I developed a tutoring plan to get children up-to-date in math. With every spark of understanding, they made progress; and with each new skill, their confidences grew. After weeks of work, they surpassed their grade levels, and approached classes with more energy. Every moment reminded me of an impact that communities can have in the lives of children with chronic illnesses; as a physician, I will continue to take on the task to find and scaling brand new solutions.
I’ve seen the transformational potential of medicine – as a patient, a camp counselor, an AIDS advocate, and a social entrepreneur. I’ve witnessed the pain of patients fearful of the future, the resolve of families dedicated to the memory of a loved one, and the joy of students freed from the academic burden of chronic illness. To understand the imperative of finding and scaling solutions and the importance of devotion, commitment and persistence in caring for the whole person. As a physician, finally, to apply the principals of compassionate care in the pursuit of healing, treating each patient with the dedication shown to me years ago as I lay in a hospital bed. I remember, as I stared at the cieling from my hospital bed, the pitter-patter of my IV drip in the night shift, my thoughts dwelled on the infection that had swept me off my feet (literally). A junior in high school, I had set a personal record in a cross-country race a few days ago. Now, my swollen knee throbbed as MRSA threatened to take my leg. Dr. Richard Hengel, an infectious disease specialist, worked to save my leg and life. As surgical intervention neared, my hope waned and despair took hold. In a final attempt before surgery, Dr. Hengel prescribed another novel antibiotic cocktail. The next day, my condition improved. This was my personal experience with medicine.
Through my experiences as a patient, a camp counselor, an AIDS advocate, and a social entrepreneur, I’ve affirmed my desire to become a physician who embraces the social emperative of developing and scaling new solutions, creating treatment that address both physical and the emotional burden of illness.