Samples of Our Work: College #2
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
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Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
The original draft included a strong, highly-visual image. Clearly you have seen more of life than many of your sheltered peers from developed countries. The authenticity and original voice were key strengths that needed to be retained. Thus, we kept these while improving ESL errors and essay fluency, and meanwhile bringing your powerful imagery to the front.
“Although the man survived, professional help did not arrive in a timely manner,”
One example of an ESL correction, “professional” rather than “proficient.”
“Statistics have proven that higher unemployment rates lead to increasing levels of inequality, which results in more crime.”
A liberal, humanitarian sense is communicated here. The client appeals to the reader’s sense of compassion and justice. Furthermore, the candidate shows empathy as one of his driving points.
“Located in the business and international relations capital of the world, with proximity to Wall Street and the United Nations, allows for an experience that is unmatched globally.”
You correctly identify the location of NYU as one of its key selling points.
Overall, the revised draft explains in genuine detail how your formative experience leads you to serve society in the path you have found. This key strength carries your candidacy.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 81% and the score on the revision is 98%.
Congratulations on creating an effective document, selling your case to NYU while demonstrating how the program is a good fit. Thank you for choosing EssayMaster as your partner, and we wish you the best of luck in your applications.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
Supplemental Essay: Why NYU? (We would like to know more about your interest in NYU. We are particularly interested in knowing what motivated you to apply to NYU and more specifically, why you have applied or expressed interest in a particular campus, school, college, program, and/or area of study? If you have applied to more than one, please tell us why you are interested in each of the campuses, schools, colleges, or programs to which you have applied. You may be focused or undecided, or simply open to the options within NYU's global network; regardless, we want to understand - Why NYU? (400 word maximum)
My fascination with political science and business began years ago, when I witnessed tragedy near the entrance of my high school soccer stadium. Walking towards the locker room entrance with two of my teammates, a man was crawling, leaving behind a trail of blood. He was just violently robbed, dealing with a gunshot from what I assume to be his attempt at resisting the offender. Although the man survived, professional help did not arrive in a timely manner, and the only thing people could do was help stop the bleeding and stare in awe. The scenery was vivid and something I, nor my teammates, will never forget.
Growing up in Rio de Janeiro revealed many scenarios like these, where people were violently - sometimes fatally - robbed for their money and material possessions. Although no large city in the world is completely free of crime, the level of brutality led me to research a solution to the problem. I asked myself, "Why do crimes like these happen so much more in Rio, than they do in Beijing? Or in Miami?" Statistics have proven that higher unemployment rates lead to increasing levels of inequality, which results in more crime. When there is a lack of work, social programs can help alleviate the unfortunate circumstances of being poor. The ideas came pouring in with every minute I spent researching.
Historically, New York University is a beacon of business and political science. Many accomplished companies, such as MTV Networks and IBM, were founded by an alumnus. In terms of political science, various members of congress and judges across the United States obtain an NYU degree. Through all of these inspiring companies and people of leadership, the source is the same: NYU.
Located in the business and international relations capital of the world, with proximity to Wall Street and the United Nations, allows for an experience that is unmatched globally. The International Studies Program makes it possible for students to study abroad, contributing to the title of Global University. The potential of earning an NYU education, with the massive reach of the alumni and the university’s contributions to culture and economics, make me confident that I can contribute to positive and everlasting changes in my home country of Brazil after calling myself an alumnus.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
Truly, New York University is a guide of business, and political theory. Many achieved organizations, for example, MTV Networks and IBM, were established by a graduate. Regarding political theory, different individuals from congress and judges over the United States get a NYU degree. Through these rousing organizations and individuals of authority, the source is the equivalent: NYU. Situated in the business and worldwide international relations capital of the world, with vicinity to Wall Street and the United Nations, considers an encounter that is unparalleled internationally. The International Studies Program makes it workable for understudies to concentrate abroad, adding to the title of Global University. The capability of procuring a NYU instruction, with the monstrous reach of the graduated class and the college's commitments to culture and financial aspects, make me certain that I can add to positive and never-ending changes in my nation of origin of Brazil subsequent to considering myself a former student.
My interest with political theory and business started years back, when I saw misfortune close to the passage of my secondary school soccer arena. Strolling towards the storage space entrance with two of my colleagues, a man was slithering, giving up a path of blood. He was simply viciously ransacked, managing a gunfire from what I expect to be his effort to oppose the guilty party. In spite of the fact that the man endure, proficient assistance didn't show up in an opportune way, and the main thing individuals could do was help stop the dying, and gazing in amazement. The landscape was striking, and something I, nor my colleagues, will actually fail to remember.
Experiencing childhood in Rio de Janeiro uncovered heaps of situations like these, where individuals were savagely - here and there lethally - burglarized for their cash and material belonging. Albeit no enormous city on the planet is totally liberated from a wrongdoing, degree of fierceness drove me to firmly exploring an answer for the issue. I asked myself, "For what reason do wrongdoings like these happen a great deal more in Rio, than they do in Beijing? Or then again in Miami?" Statistics have demonstrated that higher joblessness rates lead to the expanding levels of disparity, which brings about more the wrongdoing. When there is an absence of work, social projects can help ease the shocking conditions of being poor. The thoughts came pouring in with consistently I spent investigating.